Homeschooling my 3: 8, 10, 12 and finding that community is always a work in progress. Just when things seem great, friends move, or the season changes and outdoor living moves indoor, or a schedule shifts and then our weekly rhythms change. I've learned to stay patient and know that when cabin fever hits, or community feels dead, to stay open and ready. Maybe a new friend comes along, a new neighbor, or new activity. I've thrown my hands up at times so many times, but my reaction doesn't help. On the one hand, we are privileged - I'm a SAHM, we have a big house with lots of toys and a big yard - thus we are the house that hosts. We host movie nights, I cook for everyone, I carpool (even when there aren't enough seatbelts sometimes)... but it's often 1-sided from our side. There's the single (and broke) mom who can't reciprocate my efforts and always drops her daughters off, or the family whose house is not big enough to host, or the family who doesn't have a car (we live in Belgium) so we always drive to their side of town. It's a good problem to have, to be able to give, and we receive from the relationships, but it leaves me feeling drained too. The reality is so many families are struggling for money and time. They're so squeezed they barely have time for their own kin, much less the community. A handful of my friends are caretaking for their parents now. There is much other be gained with even a little organization - like the co-sitting you mentioned. But people are so afraid to ask. Like in our situation, our friends are just a little too far away. Or the kids are different enough in ages that it's awkward to force them together and harder on the parents to handle the age differences. Luckily we have 1 set of grandparents nearby. That is a GODSEND. I do hire a 22-yr old to come over 1-2 times per week. This is great because she speaks Spanish to the kids and they have fun with her (crafts, braiding hair, painting nails, games at the park). It's more than baby-sitting - she's like a big buddy. Paying for community is necessary. It gives me a much-needed break. Every Tuesday I drop mine off at a farm school. At least those days they are with their friends and outside ALL day - no planning needed one day a week, phew. But it costs a pretty penny. All I know is, if you have an inkling of a community, hold onto it, nurture it, and know that nothing stays constant.
I do live in/near a sm town -- the same one I grew up in -- and one of the things I absolutely love is our sm town 4th of July celebration. This year, like every other, there were a bunch o' kids playing on the hill by the ball field, waiting for fireworks to start. Any kid go over & join & so, so many did (including my nieces & nephews who don't even live here!) It was great to see that kind of free, child-led play in the wild
This is something I had as a child (even growing up in a big city) - that community feeling. There were neighbors, local cheese store owners, grandmas, other kids parents, who seemed to be always looking out for us. And when I went back to my home country (in South East Europe) my sister still seems to have that with her kids. They spontaneously go to park on the weekends and play soccer with local kids. Also kids hang out after school in the same playground. She doesn't spend a lot of time scheduling. They see people regularly, but they also trust people and neighbors around them. When her older kid was 8 he started walking back from school by himself (and often with other kids in the area). They did get him a basic watch they can use to track him, but she often forgets to check :)
I asked her and some old friends who are doing the same - why is that so. They think it's because the community has always been there and it's very homogenous (rarely anyone from abroad wants to move to my economically unstable, poor country). People have lived there and known each other for decades. Somehow "everyone knows everyone" but it is also a big city, so you don't need to stick with the same group, there are other areas to explore. And also, as a nation we've always been very social sort of people, and very raw and open with each other (here it would be called "oversharing"). Ppl talk about their challenges openly and help each other. Everyone "knows someone who's been through that and can connect you with them" (and often does).
I've been thinking a lot about how to bring this to where we live now, especially in the little family pockets of the city. I am sure we can do it, part of it is to "normalize" it, I think, and to learn to trust people more. Anyways, long comment (sorry about that), and I have more thoughts on this, but will stop here :)
Let's look at what "commodification" has done to make the trek back to village-like life more difficult. Uh, how about homes as "investments and goods for sale"? How about urban sprawl planning patterns? Suburbanization makes the automobile (a commodity) and miles of paved roads (a "good and service tied to government") necessary. I'd say when you are in a bubble of college, with your tuition paid for, and affordable housing - by sharing rent costs - that there is a reason why the experiences you had there are difficult to reproduce now. In a world that is made out of products you have to pay for, we are collectively not a society dedicated to delivering quality of life for children or parents. It takes a lot of energy and initiative to create community.
Very true, Chris. And for those of us who headed away from our geographic or family roots, the village is even more diffuse. Thoughtful and insightful piece, as always. I think the solutions are to form bonds with a few other families to at least help with some of these challenges (carpooling, playdates, day trips), and find schools that at least make some of their walls more porous with their communities. Not easy...
Small town living has advantages and disadvantages. Perhaps some of the latter can be avoided by living in larger population grouping but with these types of ‘connecting’ activities you suggest. That is somewhat the way that I grew up in the 50’s and 60’s. Weekly neighborhood gatherings, plenty of kids available for game playing in the streets, adult gathering time. Wish we lived closer to be part of it.
Yes, yes, yes! As you know, I think about this a lot! I have co-sitting setups with friends, we do a lot of drop-off playdates, and I LOVE the idea of set time/set place for meet-ups (I think that's basically why pickleball works so well as a community builder 😂).
Friday nights in my house are for friend dinners, and if I had a magical beanstalk that could make dinner for everyone, I would just set it as an open night to all. But you are inspiring me to consider hosting a once a month open house hang for larger cluster of families we are close to, or want to get closer to. The guidance could be bring leftovers/a dish, and stay to load the dishwasher so my poor husband doesn't get burned out. Thanks for the inspiration!
Homeschooling my 3: 8, 10, 12 and finding that community is always a work in progress. Just when things seem great, friends move, or the season changes and outdoor living moves indoor, or a schedule shifts and then our weekly rhythms change. I've learned to stay patient and know that when cabin fever hits, or community feels dead, to stay open and ready. Maybe a new friend comes along, a new neighbor, or new activity. I've thrown my hands up at times so many times, but my reaction doesn't help. On the one hand, we are privileged - I'm a SAHM, we have a big house with lots of toys and a big yard - thus we are the house that hosts. We host movie nights, I cook for everyone, I carpool (even when there aren't enough seatbelts sometimes)... but it's often 1-sided from our side. There's the single (and broke) mom who can't reciprocate my efforts and always drops her daughters off, or the family whose house is not big enough to host, or the family who doesn't have a car (we live in Belgium) so we always drive to their side of town. It's a good problem to have, to be able to give, and we receive from the relationships, but it leaves me feeling drained too. The reality is so many families are struggling for money and time. They're so squeezed they barely have time for their own kin, much less the community. A handful of my friends are caretaking for their parents now. There is much other be gained with even a little organization - like the co-sitting you mentioned. But people are so afraid to ask. Like in our situation, our friends are just a little too far away. Or the kids are different enough in ages that it's awkward to force them together and harder on the parents to handle the age differences. Luckily we have 1 set of grandparents nearby. That is a GODSEND. I do hire a 22-yr old to come over 1-2 times per week. This is great because she speaks Spanish to the kids and they have fun with her (crafts, braiding hair, painting nails, games at the park). It's more than baby-sitting - she's like a big buddy. Paying for community is necessary. It gives me a much-needed break. Every Tuesday I drop mine off at a farm school. At least those days they are with their friends and outside ALL day - no planning needed one day a week, phew. But it costs a pretty penny. All I know is, if you have an inkling of a community, hold onto it, nurture it, and know that nothing stays constant.
I love this — so much wisdom from experience in these comments! Thank you!
I want to live in this world w you.
I do live in/near a sm town -- the same one I grew up in -- and one of the things I absolutely love is our sm town 4th of July celebration. This year, like every other, there were a bunch o' kids playing on the hill by the ball field, waiting for fireworks to start. Any kid go over & join & so, so many did (including my nieces & nephews who don't even live here!) It was great to see that kind of free, child-led play in the wild
This is something I had as a child (even growing up in a big city) - that community feeling. There were neighbors, local cheese store owners, grandmas, other kids parents, who seemed to be always looking out for us. And when I went back to my home country (in South East Europe) my sister still seems to have that with her kids. They spontaneously go to park on the weekends and play soccer with local kids. Also kids hang out after school in the same playground. She doesn't spend a lot of time scheduling. They see people regularly, but they also trust people and neighbors around them. When her older kid was 8 he started walking back from school by himself (and often with other kids in the area). They did get him a basic watch they can use to track him, but she often forgets to check :)
I asked her and some old friends who are doing the same - why is that so. They think it's because the community has always been there and it's very homogenous (rarely anyone from abroad wants to move to my economically unstable, poor country). People have lived there and known each other for decades. Somehow "everyone knows everyone" but it is also a big city, so you don't need to stick with the same group, there are other areas to explore. And also, as a nation we've always been very social sort of people, and very raw and open with each other (here it would be called "oversharing"). Ppl talk about their challenges openly and help each other. Everyone "knows someone who's been through that and can connect you with them" (and often does).
I've been thinking a lot about how to bring this to where we live now, especially in the little family pockets of the city. I am sure we can do it, part of it is to "normalize" it, I think, and to learn to trust people more. Anyways, long comment (sorry about that), and I have more thoughts on this, but will stop here :)
Let's look at what "commodification" has done to make the trek back to village-like life more difficult. Uh, how about homes as "investments and goods for sale"? How about urban sprawl planning patterns? Suburbanization makes the automobile (a commodity) and miles of paved roads (a "good and service tied to government") necessary. I'd say when you are in a bubble of college, with your tuition paid for, and affordable housing - by sharing rent costs - that there is a reason why the experiences you had there are difficult to reproduce now. In a world that is made out of products you have to pay for, we are collectively not a society dedicated to delivering quality of life for children or parents. It takes a lot of energy and initiative to create community.
Very true, Chris. And for those of us who headed away from our geographic or family roots, the village is even more diffuse. Thoughtful and insightful piece, as always. I think the solutions are to form bonds with a few other families to at least help with some of these challenges (carpooling, playdates, day trips), and find schools that at least make some of their walls more porous with their communities. Not easy...
Small town living has advantages and disadvantages. Perhaps some of the latter can be avoided by living in larger population grouping but with these types of ‘connecting’ activities you suggest. That is somewhat the way that I grew up in the 50’s and 60’s. Weekly neighborhood gatherings, plenty of kids available for game playing in the streets, adult gathering time. Wish we lived closer to be part of it.
Yes, yes, yes! As you know, I think about this a lot! I have co-sitting setups with friends, we do a lot of drop-off playdates, and I LOVE the idea of set time/set place for meet-ups (I think that's basically why pickleball works so well as a community builder 😂).
Friday nights in my house are for friend dinners, and if I had a magical beanstalk that could make dinner for everyone, I would just set it as an open night to all. But you are inspiring me to consider hosting a once a month open house hang for larger cluster of families we are close to, or want to get closer to. The guidance could be bring leftovers/a dish, and stay to load the dishwasher so my poor husband doesn't get burned out. Thanks for the inspiration!