Two Biases & One Better Story

How to reset our expectations of adolescents

A close friend once gave me the advice to "make a better story." In that spirit, I'd like to bring up two biases that cause adults no end of struggle with adolescents, and one better story to get beyond them both. Here goes.

First: we humans struggle with something called negativity bias, a tendency to give more attention to negative information. Chances are we evolved this trait as a way to manage threats in our environment. In our modern media-rich age, we can see negative and threatening things from anywhere in the world, but to our prehistoric brains, we feel that they are happening in our community. Thus a pervasive culture of fearfulness, particularly as pertains to our children. 

Second: the anchoring effect. This bias makes us value early information more than later information. We tend to define someone based on first impressions, and even when we're later aware they have evolved, it's usually relative to how we first saw them. In other words, we're anchored to our initial sense of someone or something. Enter adolescents. As they grow they want more responsibility and freedom, and they're ready for more. But we're anchored to how they used to be. Parents remember when we wouldn't have dreamed of letting them cross the street by themselves. Even teachers who have only known them for a year, given how quickly adolescents evolve, may find themselves lagging behind. And what pisses off adolescents more than feeling babied and held back by adults? We tell ourselves we're being loving and careful, but they interpret it as not being trusted or understood.

So here's the struggle for parents of adolescents. We're overly attuned to the dangers of the world, and we see our kids as younger and less capable than they really are. Adolescents want to be trusted with more responsibility and freedom, but we tend to think of them as immature, "hormonal", or not prepared for the world. Let's not forget that age 13, prime middle school in our culture, is and was a classic time of coming-of-age rituals in cultures around the world, when young people were given major economic and family responsibilities. At this age we're barely comfortable with them taking a walk in many cities, or using the bathroom without permission in most schools. Hmm. 

So what do we do about this? Let's make a better story.

In the business world, there is a technique that sounds straight out of a cheesy business article. But I think it's legit—a way to counter our negativity bias and see how capable adolescents are. It's called bright spot analysis. It's not a dermatology treatment. It just means that we ought to look for unusually good outcomes, and then study them carefully. So I'd like to present to you a few unusually good outcomes for adolescents. These are not about one or two amazing individuals. They're about schools or groups that are able to consistently generate surprising results, such that we might shift our thinking and overcome these two biases.

Example #1: At a boarding school outside of Tokyo, called Jiyu Gakuen, middle schoolers live in a dormitory completely on their own. There are no adults living with them, and it is no Lord of the Flies. In fact quite the opposite. The middle schoolers manage the building, the food gardens outside it, the kitchen and cafeteria, and the budget, down to the penny. When lunchtime came one day, I sat down and together with more than 100 students was served by one "family" group of 8 middle-school kids who had prepared the lunch. After serving a delicious made-from-scratch meal that included freshly baked bread, the students proceeded to give a detailed presentation on the health data of the meal (total calories, amount of protein, fat, etc) and then an equally detailed accounting of how they were managing their food budget. I had to smile when they solemnly informed us that their meal, for over 100 people, had come in a total of $1.50 over budget. They had a whiteboard showing the over/under budget figures for each meal they had made, all calculated by students. This was just a normal day in their life, but an unforgettable moment in mine, a time when I saw how I needed to raise my expectations.

The main building of Jiyu Gakuen (Freedom School)

Example #2: At a school in Berlin called Evangelische Schule Berlin Zentrum or ESBZ for short, groups of middle schoolers complete a special three-week course whose title translates roughly to Challenge. In this course, middle schoolers form a group of at least four students and take on a personal quest, with support from one teacher and with a budget of 150 Euros each. I spoke with a group who chose to create a three-week bike trip around Germany to learn more about their country through direct experience. They quickly realized that 150 euros total would not get them far, so they set up a system of working each day for their room and board each night. They found that this brought them into much closer contact with local people all over their country. At the end of three extraordinary weeks, they returned home with new confidence in themselves and new wisdom about their own country, describing that they realized how communal their society is.

There are two bright spots, and I could share many more. I don't expect these to suddenly change our perspective on adolescents. But perhaps it makes you wonder. What if our instincts about how much middle schoolers can handle are wrong? What if our comfort zone is not a good way to decide how much freedom to offer them? 

We don't need to suddenly throw open the gates or treat them like adults. Just try this: define what seems comfortable to you in a given domain, like how independent they can be in your town or city. Then, go just one step further. Not a leap even, just one more degree. Chances are they'll surprise you, and themselves. When an adolescent feels trusted and supported by adults (not just let loose) and discovers their capability through real experience in the world, they'll be more confident, connected, and simply happier. You'll have found a better story.