Self-Care vs Self-Renewal
Why we're confused about how to restore ourselves
I’m writing this from Japan, on a bustling trip full of teaching and working with a fabulous team of educators to launch a new school. The days are long, but the trip is renewing me. Even through the haze of jetlag, I feel refreshed.
It’s curious—I often tell myself that I need time to pause and rest, and that’s true; yet often that time is not as satisfying as I expect, while a busy trip like this revitalizes me.
I’m starting to suspect that for most of my life, I have not really known how to recharge myself. If you’ve ever taken a “break” by scrolling the news and come away more stressed, then you know what I mean. Surprisingly often, the things we do to rejuvenate ourselves just don’t work.
I think I’m not the only one who is confused about what actually restores our vitality. So here’s a thought experiment, in the hopes of finding a bit more clarity.
I’d like to suggest a distinction between self-care and self-renewal. I’m not too set on those words, but hope they will be signposts.
Let’s define self-care as things that meet immediate physical needs or help us shift our attention. Like drinking cold water on a hot day. Giving yourself an extra few hours of sleep after a busy week. Or turning on a movie and letting yourself be carried away by a story. Self-care lets us slow the flow of our energy out into the world, taking a little more for ourselves. It’s a good thing, and most of us need more of it. But it’s not the end of the story.
Self-renewal is something different. Instead of closing the valve on that outward flow of energy, self-renewal actually widens the flow. We pour more energy into the world and paradoxically feel enlivened by it. Self-renewal may be about connecting with a passion, or discovering a new one. It often involves the feeling of adventure or discovery. It may offer contrast and variety of experience. We feel we’re growing and creating memories. At its best we surprise ourselves, discovering something that shifts our identity slightly, or adds a chapter to our story.
Self-care can’t do this. As necessary as it is, it doesn’t really add to us. Self-renewal expands us, and in a way that naturally draws others closer.
Here’s an example. Some of my best moments of connection with adolescents have come from being an extremely low-skill guitar player. Despite my status of permanent beginner, I find learning the guitar to be an extremely satisfying, even transporting experience, and the way it creates connection never ceases to amaze me. As the principal of a school, to sit down near some students and begin tinkering, badly, on the guitar aligns us as fellow learners and dabblers. Sometimes a student who knows guitar will approach and offer me some suggestions (gratefully accepted); or perhaps an invitation to play together, or a new song to try. I feel playful and alive in these moments. They see an adult who is trying new things, growing, making mistakes (countless of them), and having fun.
Guitar is a self-renewal practice for me. It takes energy and concentration, and it does not make up for my sleep debt. But it shifts me into a mode of playful exploration, and it creates connection with others.
The point here is not that self-renewal is good and self-care is bad. We need both. The point is that we often mix them up, or forget that there is a distinction. Say you want to feel renewed, so you treat yourself to a Netflix marathon. It’s fun, but at the end, perhaps you’ll just feel tired. No harm done, but if your aim was to feel renewed, that was not really the way (unless you found a really extraordinary movie). If you want to feel renewed, you are more likely to find it in an exciting conversation, the discovery or re-discovery of a hobby, or an experience of deep learning.
Does this have anything to do with parenting or teaching? Yes. We parents and teachers have a special purpose: we are trying to model for young people how a healthy adult lives. And: we are trying to connect with them, to create bridges between their experience of rapid growth and our own, more settled, adult experience. This means that our work to keep ourselves renewed and enlivened is the same as our work to be great parents or teachers.
As you read this, I hope you will not add ‘self-renewal’ to your to-do list and feel badly if you don’t do it “enough.” First of all, the chance to take care of one’s physical needs, and then to have even small bits of leftover time for self-renewal, is a privilege. And even with the privileges I have, weeks or months can go by in which self-renewal barely crosses my mind. It’s hard for those of us living the full lives of parents or educators in this busy modern world. So don’t make self-renewal another guilty to-do item. Instead, the value of this concept is to clarify our purpose when we have the chance to tend to ourselves. Yes, watch Netflix and sleep in if you can. But beyond those immediate impulses to treat yourself or shift your attention, consider what actually renews your spirit. It’s likely not a movie, not an extra two hours of sleep, not a massage. It might be making a piece of art, reconnecting with an old mentor, or experiencing a different culture.
Adolescents need to see adults who are fully alive. Not as a performance for them, but from your own heart, your own motivation. They’ll feel the difference. And that difference, that playful spirit of exploration and learning that marks self-renewal, may be one of the best teachings you offer.
Book Update!
I’m very happy to say that the public launch of Finding the Magic in Middle School is just a week away, on August 15th! I’ll share an announcement via this newsletter then. The ebook and physical book will launch together, with audiobook to follow in early Fall, and then the Spanish edition soon after. I can’t wait to share it with you!
Photo Credits: Adrian Swancar and Lechon Kirb
This really resonated. What a great reminder!
Your distinction between self-care and self-renewal is very accurate and your acceptance of both is very correct. As always thank you for your shrewdly accurate descriptions and analysis.